Take my paper and shove it up your ass

I'm not a happy little city resident at the moment.

We live in a la de da neighborhood of the city. We moved here before the neighborhood went West County on our asses. Everyone here has lots of money or lots of time. As a result, the lawns look like something you'd find at a botanical garden. Except our lawn. Why? Well, we have one of the biggest front lawns in the entire neighborhood and that's not an exaggeration. Where most neighbors have a postage stamp for a yard, we have the entire post office.

When you have a postage stamp yard, it's easy to keep it landscaped and gorgeous year round. When it's about 6 lawns put together, it takes a lot more effort. We put in enough effort to not get a ticket. The lawn is mowed. There are flowers along the front that are kept neat and weed free. There are tasteful bushes that are not overgrown. It's very simple.

We get two free newspapers delivered twice a week on our lawn. Sometimes it takes us a few days to pick up our papers because we never use our front lawn. We never set foot on our front porch, even. Our garage is in the back. Our front lawn is pretty much useless to us. So a few days go past before we even remember a newspaper has been thrown on the lawn.

Lately, some persnickety neighbor has been placing our papers on the front porch. They are not being kind. They are doing it so we get the message and pick up our damn papers. This person cannot stand to walk past our house and see a wrapped newspaper sitting on the lawn for more than two days.

And of course, the papers sit on our front porch longer than this oh so helpful neighbor would appreciate, too.

Well today this neighbor thought they'd be clever. They decided to place the paper on the front porch and then open up the screen on our screen door a few inches. That way, we'd open our front door, notice the screen door was open, and when we leaned down adjust the screen, we'd see the papers.

I figured this out because Matt did not open the screen. I did not open the screen. Marge did not open the screen. The mailman did not open the screen. THe neighbor kids did not open the screen. The screen did not open itself. You almost have to force the thing open. ONly an adult could do it. This morning, it wasn't open and there were no papers. Hours later, it's open and look, there's the papers.

I took the papers inside and called the newspaper and asked them to stop the free delivery. Then I wrapped the papers and placed them back on the lawn.

I will NOT be told how to live my life. Our house is fine. The yard is fine. THe papers were sitting there two days, today included. I will not let some uptight bitch try to control me. She can sick the block captain on us. Won't she be shocked to find out WE ARE THE BLOCK CAPTAINS! We know the rules. We understand and we follow them. But damn, we're human and sometimes, sometimes, SOMETIMES there are things far more important than picking up our fucking newspaper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god, I'm going to bust my spleen, I'm so pissed off right now.